Ok, I'm going to be as honest as I can towards you and myself. I'm in quite a good mood and have been like this for about four whole days now. Brilliant! I'm not sure about the whole turning point thing, but really I don't care, I mean: as long as I'm this happy...

Yesterday I went to an appointment with my psychologist. She gave me some papers with questions to answer. Every answer was graded with X points, and through summaring the points she (the psychologist) was able to make some light version of a diagnostisation. According to her I'm suffering from an E.D, but I say that I don't. My relation to food is complicated 'cause I screwed it all up in the beginning. I ate too much, gained a lot of weight and became a fat ass,and now it's time for re-pay.

Eva, the psychologist was for some reason really worried about my physical health (but of course my mental health as well). My body hurts almost all the time, especially the area around my chest. Sometimes the pain is so strong that I hardly can't breathe correctly.
She also told me that I've managed to really shrink my stomach through all the puking. She was guessing that my stomach now was at the size of a fist.

I haven't been eating since 8pm yesterday, and then I just went for a snack: half a slice of crispbread, a thin layer of cream cheese extra light (5% fat) and a hand-full of alfalfasprouts. Delicious! But for today I've only drank some coffee. Ok, a lot of coffee, probably about 6 cups.

Now I have to do my Spanish homework.

ELin
XOXO

Yes, Happy easter everyone! It's 2:38pm (bloging from Gothenburg, Sweden) and I' m sitting here all alone, eventhough it's easter holiday, 'cause the rest of the family is in our country house on the west coast, a small community close to the sea. Oh god, me and mum had like the biggest argument about the fact that i wasn't coming, yeah I know that I'm old enough to make my own decisions (i'm turning 20 in december), but there are some complications when your mum's treating like you've just entered the teens!

Since they all thought that I was going come over, they took almost everything we had in the refrigerator! I don't bother, I hadn't planning to eat that much anyway. I found some fruit in the store house that I could eat if I'm getting to hungry.

I'm really looking forward 'til my best friend Vendela's coming with the bus at 6pm! We're going to have a really cosy easter evening together. Watching movies, have some wine and as many cigs that we want to smoke It's going to be great! And later on we're taking a bus in to town for some clubing. And hopefully I'm more in a club mood than I am right now. At this moment I feel really low. I was diagnosed with a severe depression 6 months ago, and my therapist has been trying to manage me to start with meds, but I am kind of sceptic towards psychotropic drugs, 'cause I think 99% of the so-called effect is pure placebo. Ironically enough, but my favourite music group is called Placebo:p

Anyway, I'm really low and have been down for quite a while, more or less since the beginning of year 2008. But yesterday it really flipped over! A person I've always been seeing as a really close friend, almost in a soulmate-ish way got pissed off (for no reason) and started hurle abuse against me. It was like she let everything she had inside herself towards me! She said that she was sick of me 'cause I'm such a spoiled brat, and that i'm superficial and apply my bad attitude on others too. I took this really hard. I've never been crying this many times in only one day. My eyes were swollen and I just couldn't stop cry. Now it seems that everyone around me hates me. My mum hates me, my dad feels ashame of me because my grades aren't good enough, my brothers and sisters hate me 'cause I made mum upset and dissapointed. And yeah, now my friend hates me. I only have Vendela left and I will try my hardest not to loose her, 'cause then I am all alone.

I'm feeling like the worst person in the fucking world. You know what? I AM THE WORST PERSON IN THE FUCKING WORLD! I am disgusting, fat, stupid, worthless...everything bad you can imagine! And last night I punished myself for being such an ass. I puked 4 times ( I've been puking every day the last week) and I also cut myself because I had to get rid of the fucking pain inside!

I sent a Happy Easter- sms to my so-called friend this morning. 'Cause I don't want to sink to the same low level as she did!

Anyway..

Happy Easter to you who just read my blog!
:D

It's been a while since last time. I don't know what to tell you guys, but, i am struggling with a quite bad body image and a lack of self-confidence and stuff like that. And it's been like this for quite a while now. And well, I have a strange and not too healthy relationship with food. I don't really remember what I've already told you, so please forgive me if I'm repeating everything.

Over to something lighter, how my day was etc. Well, I woke up at 7am, put some clothes on and applied some make -up. Ran to catch up with the bus so that I wouldn't be late for the meeting with my working group in Spanish. We're about to do a oral review and analysis of a Mexican movie called Amores Perros with the handsome actor Gael Garcia Bernal.

After the meeting, I went to the gym for a work out hour. And after that I went home.

Since I didn't have any lessons today, I could lay in bed a bit longer, wonderful
At 10am I got up to have a glas of mineral water, you know the one with the lemon flavour. Then I just walked around in the house (I'm still living with my parents, thinking about my life and stuff like that.

And then at 2pm, I took my jacket and went to see my psychologist. Because I have been really really busy and stressed during the past weeks, I've had to cancelled like 5 meetings, so it was really great to see her. The last times she mentioned anti-depressions and especially one called Cipramil, and it really scares me! that one of the side effects is gaining weight. And you know, that would make me freak out. But anyway, I was convinced to give it a shot if she would mention it again, but you kno what? She didn't, instead she chose to focus on my eating habits.

I know that my eating habits aren't like the others but they work for me. She told me that I must eat more, otherwise I will be hospitalized, but at the same time she told me that "Elin, you're not anorexic, but it's clear that you have an eating disorder". BULLSHIT! That's all bullshit, and you all know that I am a fat ass!

To be as honest as I was with Eva, my psychologist: I prefer not to eat. At all. 'Cause, I consider myself as a person who has some overweight issues that I really have to deal with! The problem is that noone else seems to have the balls the so "Hey, you know what? You are a fat cow and you better loose some weight, 'cause you're disgusting!". And you know, that really hurts, that noone can be truly honest with me!

So today, I haven't been eating. At all, just as I planned. And it feels great!

I haven't been writing here for a while. Well, actuallly, I haven't been doing any bloging on any of my blogpages, neither here, nor on my Swedish one. Why? Well, I had a really hard time, dealing with the fact that one of my best friends commited suicide one month ago. And you know, it's really really hard to accept, that the person that you used call almost every day isn't there anymore and won't pick up the phone to answer.

Another thing I had/have to deal with was/are my eating habits. I'm not eating that much, at least not as much as an ordinary person, I guess. And you know, it's just another diet, 'cause I really want to be thin and not overweight anymore! So please let me! It hurts so much to hear people telling me to stop, but hey, I'm sick of being the big girl!

Tonight, my sister and her family's coming over for dinner. I think it'll be pizza, and mum is so sweet, 'cause she's gonna do a vegan pizza for me. Yes, I've gone from vegetarian to vegan since last time writing. Feels great.

Now back to my Spanish essay!

Hasta luego:D

Ok, I should being asleep right now, but I'm not. I haven't slept for more than about 2,5-5 hours/ night for the last 3 years. I guess that's one of the reason why I'm this overweight.
I'm embaressed of thinking about me, walking around wraped up in pure denial and not being honest to myself. I'm not kidding, it's true that I've been pretending that I'm thin and that I can wear clothes that shows off a bit or/and are tight. But the truth is the complete oposite!

Well, for the last years the truth has been taking in on me, and like during year 2006 it really reached and kind of embraced me and my soul. It's like I've been enlighted or something. I'm aware of the fact that I neigther can nor are allowed to eat as much as I used to do. The best for me would be, stop eating and just go for liquids like tea, coffee and in worst case diet soda. Today was a really good "food day" from my point of view:

breakfast: 1 cup of coffee
snack: -
lunch: 1 cup of coffee
snack: -
dinner: -
other: 20 chewing gums

I'm supposed to go to my class in Spanish grammar, but honestly, I'm gonna miss that one on purpose. But I still have to take the bus into town anyway,'cause I have to go to the bank and fix a code so that I can pay bills on the Internet again. And most important, I gotta go to the gym for like an hour and a half and work on the back of my enormous thighs.

Now I'm gonna listen to some relaxing music, like acoustic versions of Placebo. Placebo's my favourite group if you wanted to know...

//Elin xoxo

Here I am once again. I bought my very own computer the other day, it's a pink laptop and it's really cute! And I just realised that it (hopefully) will be a lot more easy to use your time better than before, you know,it's not that easy to write or even read in a bumpy bus, especially not for me since I easily feel sick during almost every bus ride.

I got a comment on the other contribution as I wrote about honesty. I'm not saying I was constant liar in grade school, but I wasn't honest, especially not to myself. Afraid of become a bullying victim I chose to put on a mask every single day I went to school. I still shudder when I'm thinking about the way I dressed during the dreadful years in hign school. Like a wannabe snob or something, anywany, not a nice sight

Then during the last two months in high school, I was 14,5 years old and I felt it was time to make up with all the hypocrites around me in school. So, I started to change the way I dressed and wore "my own" clothes and I came out as a bisexual. Nowadays it's not a big deal, but for me, growing up in a quarter with a conservative and narrow-minded sight on everything, it was really hard. But looking bad at it I feel a lot of pride inside.

So there you fo, a bisexual girl, and what more? Well, I don't know what I should tell. Let's say it like this: I have some food issues going on. But above all weight issues. Since I'm rather overweight, or fat I'm trying to hold a diet,as strict as possivle and work out as often as I can.  Some people around me are telling me to slow down 'cause I'm thin already (according to them), but you know what? THEY ARE LIARS! They all know very well that I need to loose weight, but they're all "nice people" so they can't tell me the truth.
And worst of all, they´re trying to convince me to believe that I'm wrong, eventhough it'spretty obvious that I'm too big.

This is the real beginning to be honest to myself.

And here are two pictures of me that I took yesterday with my webcam (that is built- in to the laptop).

Ok, so here we go. I never thought I would enter the blogsphere,but here I am, writing on my new blog page. Yes, I do have another one, and I used to write there, in a very open and honest way about my thougts about everything and some more,but since my friends found out about the blog they started to be concerned about me. But I don't think that the understand me and can't see things from my point of view...And well, then I came to a point where I felt like it wasn't OK to write the complete truth about my feelings 'cause I knew that my friends would read it and...and then it would be really hard for me, facing all there concerns.

So,let's hope this time it will be better. And I will get a chance to improve my English as well ^^